I couldn't understand why my little boy crush was more amused with kicking rocks than kissing me!
So, I abandoned back jumping in favor of a new approach. If the boy was afraid of cooties, I would tell him that the answer to a cootie-free life was printed on the inside of my bottom lip. Eager to be cootie-less, the boy-in-question, would dive in to take a look and....VOILA...my first kiss would occur!
And, it did - in fact - happen that way. He leaned in to take a look and I took my first kiss, and though the boy walked away with more cooties than he had before, I - all kissed up and happy - learned that persuasion yielded more results than force.
Deception, I thought - or "the art of making false information seem real" - was the answer to never being mushed in my dainty, little, 5th grade face again.
I have since put the playground games to rest, opting instead to tackle another virtual realm of opportunity. Enter: Facebook Status Update! The method whereby women are able to convince unsuspecting boys (over 21) that they do things they actually do NOT...such as: wash their cars and shave their armpits every other day.
My girls and I called it Facebook Pimping, the new playground ploy to get a kiss.
For example, a woman didn't have to know the difference between a field goal and a three-point shot, as long as she updated her status every time "the game was on" (discreetly copying updates from her little brother's status).
SCORE!
Likewise, if she talked about boiling collards and frying chicken (even while she ordered Kung Fu chicken for delivery)...she could obtain instant comments and dating options in a matter of nanoseconds!
Facebook Pimping - we dubbed it - the new, online equivalent of getting a man's attention WITHOUT hooker heels and a get 'em girl dress but via 180 characters in a small, white window.
On this particular day, I was bursting a few brain cells trying to figure out how I would pimp my Facebook status.... My current status had generated a measly 2 "likes" and 1 comment:
Bree is just getting home from work.
To which...
Flowerchild commented: But it's Friday, you're lame....
I was momentarily ashamed that my Friday's were never as interesting or acrobatic as Flowerchild's...
I scrolled through a few status updates and found Longwalk's....
Longwalk is home listening to old school Justin Timberlake and OD'ing on a few bag of skittles.
He was probably scratching his balls, texting and watching Family Gay.
I left a comment, anyway....Save me a skittle :-)
Next was...
Big Chocolate...ya'll boys just left with a car full of boys, but me I left the party with a dime. you know how Big Chocolate get's down...
Starfish69 Jones Commented: thanks for gettin' it right last night, boo
Big Chocolate Replied: anytime "mama."
I guess Big Chocolate had found a place to shove his "pretty, shitty key" after all.
It seemed like everyone had a facebook gimmick but me...so I tried a few...
Bree is looking for a good reception to attend.
No Likes, No CommentsBree is dowloading Janet Jackson's "I Get Lonely"
No Likes, No Comments Bree wants at least 1 of her 400 friends to comment on her status
To Which...Flowerchild Commented: WTF, Bree. It's Friday! Get out of the house!
Bree at this point was wondering if Flowerchild was having so much fun, why the heck was she all up on (yes allupon <-- one word) my Facebook page...I posted again....
Bree is putting on the mini dress and stiletto heels.
(Then I changed my profile pic to me wearing a dress from BeBe that was 14 inches above my knee and had a neckline that was on a serious quest to meet my bellybutton)22 Likes, 17 Comments (and counting)
I felt momentarily triumphant, as my tata's stared back at me from my Facebook picture. Then I had a "WTF am I doing?" moment and realized I had officially become the newest DC Madame and pimped myself. I quickly took down the picture and deleted the update.
If I had to get a man by utilizing the art of deception, than what type of "pimps up, ho's down" game would I have to employ to keep him?
I went for a safer status update instead....
Bree is learning to be 100% myself. I am me. Take it or leave it.
I got 1 like and 1 comment, surprisingly from the guy in the 5th grade who had me eating concrete until I convinced him to look inside my bottom lip. But now, one degree and 15 years later, he was smarter than the little boy of yesterday. He had moved past kicking rocks to reading books like the one he had listed: Think and Grow Rich!
I sent him a message....
hey you, it's the former cootie queen! i just finished reading Think & Grow Rich!! hit me back if you're interested in chatting about it.
If Facebook Pimping could be defined as attracting attention in 180 characters or less. I had successfully accomplished this goal MINUS the hook 'em girl heels and get 'em girl dress and still managed to keep it all the way 100% me!
...........
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I have to admit I have mixed feelings about this post. On the one hand, I understand the whole existential cat and mouse game with your Facebook status. At the same time, why wait until after you post a suggestive picture of yourself to then "flip the script" and decide you want to be "100% of yourself" ? Even by changing your Facebook status quickly, just like ANY social network site you are opening access to a large portion of who you are, so why be even remotely "fake" about it?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, Neal. I think male or female should present themselves as who they are regardless of if its electronically or in person. Eventually, the person who you're attracting will realize the truth.
ReplyDeleteOK, what fast little girl is trying to get boys to kiss her in the 5th grade? #hotmess
ReplyDeleteSecondly, facebook is getting ridiculous, lol. Sometimes the status updates are pretty ridiculous (and laughable). "John Doe is ... gettin it in?" You have to wonder if the person is really "gettin it in" why he (or she) would be taking time to update their fb status. People want everyone to know what they are doing (even if it is not 100% true).
Hey...I get no comments most of the time and I am 100% me whether im in stilettos, out on the town, with my fam, or just chillin' watchin the Lakers smack down the Celtics. I feel you...it is important to keep it 100 no matter what.This is a great entry -- flows very well and I love the comparison of young love and young adult love.
ReplyDeleteAnd ummm...anyonymous#1 - boys were trying to get kiss me since 1st grade. lol What year were u born?
I will admit FB updating - sexy or not, is very addicting for me. Wanting everyone to know what you're doing consistently is called something (not neurotic) but something else...
Also, to Neal...I agree with you partially but please tell me you understand why people feel the need to be somewhat deceptive on social networks. Key word is SOCIAL...in real circles nobody keeps it 100 because people have a hard time trusting others, fundamentally.
ReplyDelete