I have a fashionable, Baptist friend that finds sanctification in all things Christian...
Louboutin, Lacroix, and Dior...that is!
This fashionable friend is an anomaly in DC, because he can debate the relevance of politics and prose and the irrelevance of polkadots and ponchos. This friend is the epitome of an Upper East Side Manhattan, VISA Black Card-carrying, curly-haired, perfect-skin having, bleached-white teeth buppie. This friend is (and still could be) the ideal candidate for AKA Sorority EXCEPT he's a dude and he believes their official colors - salmon pink and apple green - are so 2001!
Mr. Swagg (because he's the definition of...) would rather wear a fake polo from Wal-Mart than step his Marc Jacobs Oxford in the basement of ANY bargain store EVER. So how he became friends with a 23+ lover of Forever 21 - a woman's store packed with 98% nylon, $5 dresses, 16-year old allowance spenders and young professionals on a budget (raises hand) is beyond me....
Mr. Swagg is the gay BFF I've been looking for all my life, except he exclusively loves women (eliminating the gay part), and gives me a mad case of paranoia whenever I shoe shop for pumps at Payless (eliminating the BFF part).
He is someone I have tried to define for going on 324 days (<--respect the diligence), and all I've come up with is Mr. Swagg (the definition of...a Metrosexual Male). In other words, he is totally in touch with his masculinity but not afraid to embrace the finer things in life (mani's, pedi's, pu@%!*). He's flyy, smells fresh, stays clean, loves women and is able to converse about more than just basketball and beer (<---though he can do that too)
MOST IMPORTANTLY, Metrosexual Mr. Swagg understands CODE PINK girl talk and can provide the ever, elusive, desperately sought after: GUY OPINION. Which was what I was looking for as I continued my quest to find out if my girlfriend's, boyfriend Mark (say that 2x fast) could still be a straight man despite having an inclination to munch carpet while calling his best friend boo with a winkface ;-)
"What's the deal Bree-dizzle?"
Swagg and I were sitting at a trendy restaurant on 7th Street called Oya where the chopsticks are sexy and the food is served in cute little miniature dishes that Forever 21+ me wanted to sneak in my purse (hey, it's a recession)!
"Dude, I think my girlfriend's, boyfriend Mark might be gay but I don't know."
Swagg glared at me from across the table. At first I thought he was about to chastise me for wearing a dress from Target outside of the 'burbs, but then I realized....
"Rolled-Up Jeans Guy?" he asked.
The gchat went something like this:
ME: "So Charm's boyfriend Mark had Double-Cuffed jeans on the other day."
SWAGG: "LOL...tell me he's from Europe?"
ME: "He's NOT from Europe."
SWAGG: "Whack"
ME: "But he..."
SWAGG: "Whack"
ME: "They've been together for like...."
SWAGG: "Dude is whack or he's gay."
ME: "He's so not whack, though."
Then Swagg hit me with a Wendy Williams "How you doin'" and the conversation ended with Swagg emailing me an article about the all the reasons why rolled-up jeans were wrong (and whack and possibly gay...unless of course the dude wearing them was European - but dude in question was not though).
"It's deeper than a pants roll!" I said sliding one sexy chopstick in my Pucci bag and giving him the low down of the pictures boyfriend Mark carried of Midnight Rob in his wallet, the miss you messages between the two and the winkface.
Swagg looked underwhelmed.
"So, what do you think?" I asked.
"Breez-tizzle, you may be clueless in fashion" (OUCH!) "But it doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. It's like a girl buying a Pucci bag - looks like one - but all you have to do is pay attention to realize it's a knockoff. A P looks nothing like a G, Bree-tonia!"
My Pucci bag suddenly felt disrespected!
Swagg (because he's the defintion of...) knew all about the bait and switch. Being a curly-haired, pretty-boy metrosexual male that could never be found without a fresh shape-up, Swagg always got approached by men that thought he played for the Homo team! And though his open mind was never offended, he was always clear where his hetero interest lay - with a green-eyed lady nicknamed Mulan, who had an eclectic personality that matched her sense of style. Besides, she was the only other person he knew that lit an Archipelago candle (google it!) when Alexander McQueen took his life!
She was what he really wanted to discuss over cute little china and sushi at Oya.
So while I discreetly tucked the other sexy chopstick in my Pucci bag, and thought how I would tell Charm that boyfriend, carpet-munching Mark did not fit the definition of (a....Metrosexual), I wondered how often do women find themselves in a situation when a man's actions leave her wondering if she was dating a knock-off instead of the real thing?
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Come back next week and read about a How a Metrosxual Man Date's in DC....
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I always thought the only person who could roll up a pants leg was LL Cool J going for the whole "faux gangster" appeal? You learn something new everyday.
ReplyDeleteI think when most women put on the Question Mark Face (wondering if their dude is trapped in the closet) they already know the deal. From there it's just a matter of how much they choose to ignore/deny it. If your man wears Kapri pants in the summer (or any other season for that matter), yeah, he's definitely a double agent.
ReplyDeleteDebauchery
~?
I find this definition interesting. I do not understand the implication that if a guy is into fashion, clean cut, and can relate to women, etc. he has to be "metrosexual".
ReplyDeleteThe problem in our society is that we're letting 106 and Park define masculinity. Coming from someone who has lived in a "gay before proven straight" city before (Atlanta), I can sympathize with any brothas out there that are not trying to be reggins. We are now in a hip hop or gay generation where dudes can't be who they are. In addition, most of the metrosexual dudes I know are married, so they are getting women.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very thin line between being metrosexual and homosexual, but I agree if you have to question it, really question, then you already know.
ReplyDeleteEvery woman needs a metrosexual male as a friend, he keeps your style tight. I have one and I wouldn't leave home w/o him!!!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am not quite sure how you have dubbed this homosexual male as metrosexual...because he has good fashion sense? He is simply not out of the closet, yet. Metrosexual is a cute word that our generation has made up to feel comfortable about homosexuals and inclusive to the gay movement.
ReplyDeleteThe guy that is referenced here is clearly FLAMING!!! The arm candy, Mulan, you have referenced is just that... a trophy! Does she have good fashion sense and look like a model herself? <--- my point exactly. Heterosexual men do not have to tell you they love the cookies because they are secure with that fact.
His whole life sounds like one huge charade....and his friends help him feel that he is heterosexual.
I dont date "metrosexual" men ESPECIALLY not in the District...how do you know he's just a well manicured, well dressed, fresh male fashionista instead of a perpetrator? Psh! you have a gay friend...keep it in perspective and tell him to keep it 100. lol
i think that there is a fine line between metro and homo. However there is something to be said about a man who cares about how he looks. How many times do you hear a woman bitch and moan about how he looks like he just stepped out of bed/a video/the basketball court, etc?? Why can't a man care about how he looks, smells and feels? Since when are manicured nails a sin?
ReplyDeleteWhat I am trying to say is that clothes do NOT make the man. There are greater litmus tests that must be met before we can define someones sexuality. And while knowing the names of designers, all the hottest night spots, and being finicky about where you are seen may be tell-tale signs of homosexuality in some circles, on others it is merely seen as being in "the know". Whack is definitely to be applied to cuffing your pants.. but I see it in all the new fashion mags (check your most recent GQ for reference). Trends change, styles evolve. We never thought we would revisit the 80's, but I am sure you know someone rockin the leggings. Let's be less to judge a man on the fabric of his jeans and more on what clubs he frequents *i.e. male strip clubs*, as well as the other things you said were suspect, like longing gazes at his male besties.
Sidebar: Pucci is a REAL LEGIT AND VERY EXPENSIVE DESIGNER. I am sure that there is another word for a knockoff Gucci bag :) just a heads up, no hate. See enclosed link for verification :)
http://www.emiliopucci.com/emiliopucci/home/realgender/WOMEN/tskay/8D8F600C/gender/D
Soooo Single lady in DC... you know this man rather well, right? Is he playing for the other team?
ReplyDelete