As he pursued, I ran...sometimes stumbled...sometimes fell...
Soon tiring from his pursuit, I resigned to being burned alive...and curling my knees close to my chest...I sang...AMAZING GRACE.
In my hour of need...in panic...I closed my eyes and sang at the top of my lungs.
AMAZING GRACE.
The fire subsided and I woke with my heart beating fast, droplets of sweat formulating at the midpoint of my temple, and tears filling the corners of my eyes.
Rolling over, I reached for my phone, dialing the first few numbers of my ex, the person who - in the twilight hours...1:28am...2:34am...4:14am... - had whispered me back to slumber: "Babe, go back to sleep." "Sweetie, is everything okay?" "Love you Bree, don't worry. It was just a dream."
But, it wasn't just a dream...
It was my first nightmare without him...and my first nightmare as a single woman....
Being single and dating in DC had been...okay....A Long Walk had started to call me at least twice a week, even though he still preferred to text constantly. And, Big Chocolate was still attempting to unlock a desire to date him using his pretty, shitty key...
However...
In those quiet moments I could still remember the deepness of my ex's voice, the slight powdery smell of his skin, the softness of the inside of his lips, the way it felt to turn over and pull his body close to mine, or wake up with my fingers lightly grazing the small curly hairs of his chest.
I still missed him...
Sometimes I still wanted us back together...
And I had to ask myself, in my persistence to enter the dating world while simultaneously attempting to heal...
Had I allowed the proper time to nurture the wound of my still broken heart?
In other words, how could I learn to miss someone in my present...if I was still missing someone from my past?
And...I was missing him...
Badly...
I was missing him in the first quiet moments of the morning hours, in those last few moments right before I fell asleep, and on nights like these when a nightmare reminded me that sleeping alone was not the exception but now the rule...
I never finished dialing his phone number that night.
After all, over is over is over is over.
He was no longer mine. My dreams were no longer a concern of his.
I prayed for grace that night...relief from the fear I had to shut my eyes again...but deep in the recesses of my mind all I wanted to hear was the sweet, sweet sound of someone's voice who was now a difficult but deeply missed part of my past...
Posts
I don't think it's "him" that was missed. What you miss like many people in the same situation is that emotional connection to someone else. Whether it be "A long walk" with his odd way of communicating or "big chocolate" with his questionable key, you are trying to quickly replace that emotional connection you had previously. I admire your willingness to share these stories through this blog, because many would feel awkward opening themselves up like this. In order to allow for yourself to have a future with someone who actually appreciates you should let the past be the past, and don't let it deter you from finding that special someone.
ReplyDeleteI agree partially with Neal. However, sometimes revisiting the past is a must in order to properly grasp your future. Sankofa! Also, prior to appreciating someone else, you must heal and first learn to love self more before you can start to give of yourself in such an honest capacity again.
ReplyDeleteHad I allowed the proper time to nurture the wound of my still broken heart? NO.
In other words, how could I learn to miss someone in my present...if I was still missing someone from my past? EXACTLY, because it is a learning experience for all that God has in store for you, you must be clear in your mind body and soul in order to get the lesson and move pass the situation.
Many people hurt themselves, not allowing time to heal for themselves before passing that hurt to others. Thus, the cycle sometimes continues. We have to choose better to deserve and get better.
This may be my second best blog entry because it is so very honest and free flowing. Thanks for haivng courage to share!
Neal hit it right on the head. You have to let the past be the past. It is time for you to find someone one that wants you and only you. Life is to short to waste time on someone who can not see the beauty in you.
ReplyDelete