In Case of Emergency!

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My Saturday morning began like most, single women...lounging on my couch, in an oversized t-shirt flipping between E! and Bravo trying to catch the latest episode of True Hollywood Story or Real Housewives.  Vague thoughts of doing laundry and vacuuming scrubbed through my head as I settled deeper into the crevices of my couch. So, this is what being totally satiated feels like...

Then, I a gray spot move in my peripheral vision...

I thought for a moment, that the power of my lazy mind was willing my floor to clean itself...

Oh Bliss....Simple Bliss...A self-cleaning apartment....

Then the gray spot moved again...I turned my head, only to catch the tail end of Mickey scurry around the corner of my living room closet!

OH

MY

GOSH

Was that a mouse?

Was that a f**** mouse!!! 
(side note: I only reserve this word for the most dire situations)

I leaped off my couch, grabbing one knee-high boot, a cabbage-patch bedroom slipper, black lace bra (don't ask) and  my cell phone...ran out of my door....screaming the whole way down the hall...

THERE'S A MOUSE....IN MY HOUSE!  THERE'S A MOUSE...IN MY HOUSE!!

THERE'S A MOUSE...IN...MY...HOUSE!

My flamboyant gay neighbor delicately peaked his head outside his door, and after peering at me a through mascara-encased queer eye...shut the door!

I cursed!  Clearly he was hoping for a really hott, really available....straight guy!

I had to think!  I started scrolling through my phone book.  Mom (lived in Topeka - NO!), Ex Boyfriend (probably boning some chick - NO), My Girlfriends (would probably be just as scared as me - NO!)....so "in (this) case of emergency" I had to call my good male friend, Andrew!

......

In the dating world, every woman has an Andrew...   

...he's the shopping partner (even though he's straight), a shoulder to cry on (without minding the make-up streaks), an extra pair of hands around the house (including helping with mani's and pedi's), a Dr. Phil when you need advice...the resident GUY FRIEND!

 ...he's a good guy....and always available when the boyfriend leaves, the girlfriend flakes...or

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY....

So, I called Andrew...and after mumbling that it was 6:00am in the morning, he was hungover, was I really serious, he finally agreed to come over...

Hours later (okay really it was minutes) I was forced to return into the mouse hole that was now my place...and wait for Andrew on the top of my dining room table, holding my Raid Roach & Ant spray...

but it was okay...no really, it was okay...because Andrew was on his way....

"What a friend we have in those who call at 6am?"

"A friend indeed, is a friend in need!"

"Friends are like buses, you can't catch one every minute."

Okay, so I was horrible at friendship quotes...but I had to admit Andrew was a good one to meet me at 6:00 am to calm my rodent-inspired fears.

When Andrew got there.  He diligently searched every inch of my apartment, setting down mouse traps he had brought along...while I resumed by post back on top of the dining room table sharing Andrew-inspired friendship quotes for encouragement...

"If a friend falls in the forest and no one is around to hear, does he make a sound...."

"Is it better to have friended, than to never have friended at all." 

My quotes were getting better....I think.


After two hours...lack of new quoting material....and mouseless...Andrew offered to have me spend the night over his place in order to give Mickey a chance to get caught in one of the 50-eleven traps in my house.

YES!

Andrew cooked us dinner, and we sat and chatted.  It was just like having girl-talk, except he didn't have breasts.  We giggled about some of the awful dates we had been on, sipped on apple-flavored martinis with a cherry in the middle, shared a pint of raspberry sorbet (YUM), and watched the Devil Wears Prada!

When it was time to go to bed, I put on my doo-rag, settled on the couch, and waved him good-bye as he went into his bedroom and closed the door.

Somewhere between the butcrack of down and the 19 and half minutes after midnight, I heard a sound.

Then I felt a warm, soft object touch my waist and slowly begin moving upward.

Had Mickey followed me over to Andrew's house?

I jumped off the couch, and there was Andrew standing there, looming over the couch in his boxers, grinning like those axe murders in horror films... right before they behead unsuspecting girl.

Well, maybe not!  Don't blame me.  I don't have good night vision.

"What the hell are you doing, Andrew?" I screamed.

"I just thought I'd come out here and check on you," he said.

WTF!

"You're checking on me by trying to grab a handful of boob!  What is really going on here?"

"It's my house, Bree!  You're on my couch.  I thought I'd see what's up?"

I snatched up a pillow from the floor and pitched it at his head..

"Take me home!  Right Now!  You are totally out of line for this!! My boobs are none of your concern.  We are just friends!"

Just friends!

Weren't we just friends?

On the silent ride back home to my apartment, I vaguely listened as Andrew apologized over and over and over again for "the incident."  He offered to come upstairs, but a quick and evil glare solved that.

As I walked VERY, VERY, VERY slowly back to my place, terrified to spend the night alone with Mickey, I wondered....

Was Andrew really my boy friend, or guy who was secretly hedging his bets to become boyfriend?

When I opened the door to my place, I saw Mickey had been caught in the trap.

Instead of dialing mom, the ex, or Andrew the "boob-grabber", I decided to move past my "pull-up stage," put on my "I'm a grown a** woman" face, and dispose of it.

"Friends are like buses, you can't catch one every minute."

Or, however that saying goes....

I had to remember that - in myself - I could always find that friend I "needed"...even at 6am...and sometimes even IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.