Going Number Two - (New York - Part 1)

"Dude, but I mean, we'll be in the same room for two days with only one bathroom."

"And?"  that was Flowerchild.

"Well I mean, like, it'll just be one toilet." I said.

I was trying to be discrete but Flowerchild was impatiently peering at me while licking the straw in her Wendy's Frosty.

"So?" challenged Flowerchild.

"So, it will be one toilet, in one room, for at least two days, which means..." Southern Charm was trying to help me.

"Oh." Flowerchild said. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" it had finally clicked.  "You want to know if Boss will still like you after you funk up the bathroom."

She and Southern Charm started laughing so hard our food almost dumped (no pun intended) on the floor.  Clearly, even though I needed real advice about using el bano around Boss, my girlfriends couldn't focus long enough to stop seeing who could make the best farting noise without getting spit on their french fries.

Boss and I had recently become semi-pseudo comfortable with one another...

Well....
Kinda... 

I mean I had stopped yelling stalker if he called me twice in the span of two hours and started looking forward to his calls every day.  And he had learned to control his gag reflex whenever I flipped to the Oxygen channel.  In other words, we had gotten past the "getting-to-know-you" phase, and were now toeing the line to establishing a foundation for something....else....until he opened his mouth one lazy Saturday afternoon....

"I want you to go to New York with me next weekend."

Clearly homeboy was joking, I mean I hadn't even introduced him to my hot pink granny panties...yet. 

"Bree, I'm serious."  Damn.

"Oh. well, okay then." and then flashed the type of pageant smile that made him believe my enamel held the secret to world peace...or, something like that.  At the very least, he believed I was excited...

And, I was excited...well, kinda...

Until I started thinking about all the stupid firsts that people have to get past before they can say they really like you.  For example, could I really like him if he was a thumb-sucking, blankie-addicted, keep-the-light-on type of dude. Or, even worse - could I like him if he was the type of man who forced me to pillow talk with him despite having morning breath that kicked in every night around 11:59pm.

Maybe!  But...

What I was really nervous about was accidentally doing one of those horribly disgusting type of human activities that men pretend woman don't do...like: scratch, burp, fart...and...

"Use the bathroom, Bree!" Flower Child had stopped making gross noises long enough dish out a reality check. "Geez, you act like he doesn't do it everyday!"

 "Yea," said Southern Charm.  "There are plenty of things you can do to lessen the smell."

They burst out laughing again.

"Like turn the flush right after the plop." That was Flowerchild.
"Or turn the shower on extra hot, and steam it out."  said Southern Charm.
"Or use the hotel lobby's bathroom."
"Yea, or just bring your elastic pants and hold the ish in."

They both started laughing at that one; and. though their comments were indeed funny, Flowerchild had said something that stood out.  "He does it every day."  Or at least for his colon's sake - I hoped he did.

So I chilled for a bit, and told myself that every dating interaction has those moments when the romance pauses for a second and allows real life situations play in.  I wasn't the only woman trying to cross this bridge, and most definitely wouldn't be the last.  Right?

"So, Bree" Southern Charm said, interrupting my thoughts. "Maybe you should get Boss a meal to go."

And just when I was about to perk up, Flowerchild said:

"Do you think he'd prefer the number 1 or the number 2?"

And I watched as they burst out laughing out all over again!