Going Number Two - (New York - Part 1)

"Dude, but I mean, we'll be in the same room for two days with only one bathroom."

"And?"  that was Flowerchild.

"Well I mean, like, it'll just be one toilet." I said.

I was trying to be discrete but Flowerchild was impatiently peering at me while licking the straw in her Wendy's Frosty.

"So?" challenged Flowerchild.

"So, it will be one toilet, in one room, for at least two days, which means..." Southern Charm was trying to help me.

"Oh." Flowerchild said. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" it had finally clicked.  "You want to know if Boss will still like you after you funk up the bathroom."

She and Southern Charm started laughing so hard our food almost dumped (no pun intended) on the floor.  Clearly, even though I needed real advice about using el bano around Boss, my girlfriends couldn't focus long enough to stop seeing who could make the best farting noise without getting spit on their french fries.

Boss and I had recently become semi-pseudo comfortable with one another...

Well....
Kinda... 

I mean I had stopped yelling stalker if he called me twice in the span of two hours and started looking forward to his calls every day.  And he had learned to control his gag reflex whenever I flipped to the Oxygen channel.  In other words, we had gotten past the "getting-to-know-you" phase, and were now toeing the line to establishing a foundation for something....else....until he opened his mouth one lazy Saturday afternoon....

"I want you to go to New York with me next weekend."

Clearly homeboy was joking, I mean I hadn't even introduced him to my hot pink granny panties...yet. 

"Bree, I'm serious."  Damn.

"Oh. well, okay then." and then flashed the type of pageant smile that made him believe my enamel held the secret to world peace...or, something like that.  At the very least, he believed I was excited...

And, I was excited...well, kinda...

Until I started thinking about all the stupid firsts that people have to get past before they can say they really like you.  For example, could I really like him if he was a thumb-sucking, blankie-addicted, keep-the-light-on type of dude. Or, even worse - could I like him if he was the type of man who forced me to pillow talk with him despite having morning breath that kicked in every night around 11:59pm.

Maybe!  But...

What I was really nervous about was accidentally doing one of those horribly disgusting type of human activities that men pretend woman don't do...like: scratch, burp, fart...and...

"Use the bathroom, Bree!" Flower Child had stopped making gross noises long enough dish out a reality check. "Geez, you act like he doesn't do it everyday!"

 "Yea," said Southern Charm.  "There are plenty of things you can do to lessen the smell."

They burst out laughing again.

"Like turn the flush right after the plop." That was Flowerchild.
"Or turn the shower on extra hot, and steam it out."  said Southern Charm.
"Or use the hotel lobby's bathroom."
"Yea, or just bring your elastic pants and hold the ish in."

They both started laughing at that one; and. though their comments were indeed funny, Flowerchild had said something that stood out.  "He does it every day."  Or at least for his colon's sake - I hoped he did.

So I chilled for a bit, and told myself that every dating interaction has those moments when the romance pauses for a second and allows real life situations play in.  I wasn't the only woman trying to cross this bridge, and most definitely wouldn't be the last.  Right?

"So, Bree" Southern Charm said, interrupting my thoughts. "Maybe you should get Boss a meal to go."

And just when I was about to perk up, Flowerchild said:

"Do you think he'd prefer the number 1 or the number 2?"

And I watched as they burst out laughing out all over again!

My Girl Has a Girlfriend...

Every woman regardless of age should have a girlfriend.  Unless, of course, she's a lesbian...

Last night my girlfriend called me three times after 11pm, left five voice mails (don't ask how), and showed up at my door before the sun had a chance to say "Saturday."

"Bree!"  She yelled, waking me up from a sleep that was so sexy, I had my pillow squeezed in between my knees.

"Bree, open up!"

Shutting my eyes further, I willed the high-pitched voice penetrating the walls of my front door to be that of Idris Elba or at least Jake Gyllenhal with his shirt off...

Unfortunately for me, the person standing on the other end of my eye crust and my front door, did not have Gyllenhal's chest or his man parts.

Womp.

"Girl, I called you." my girlfriend said bursting in with bagels in hot coffee.
"Ok."
"You didn't answer."
"Ok..."
"I said. You did not answer your phone."
"I said. Oh - kay...."
"Yea, well, what were you doing?"
"Dude!!  What the...!" 
"You STILL didn't answer my question."

Clearly, she was paying attention...

For a millisecond we glared at each other from across the room, with her contemplating  all the ways she could lecture me about calling folks back and me thinking about which was worst:

The fact that she had brought blueberry bagels (despite my allergy to fruit). Or, the fact that I had just noticed it was 6:15 in the morning...on...a....Saturday!

Girlfriends!

You can't live with them...and well, you can't find a boyfriend to replace them. So, as we sat there, squaring off over a open container of cold butter and coffee, I asked myself...

In DC, why is it so much easier to find a girlfriend than it is to lock down a boyfriend?

For all intents and purposes, Southern Charm was not-  in the truest sense of the word - my girlfriend.  I mean I hadn't done anything awkward like touch her tongue with mine, or sneak up on her in the shower!  But, she was my non-lesbian partner, who I loved deeply despite being in a serious but sometimes uncomfortable long-term relationship that started 5 years ago!    

I still remember how she and I had connected over a margaritas and man talk!  And, we had remained close throughout the years mainly because we shared a common interest that involved NOT being afraid to commit to simple things like...

keeping an appointment
going to see a chick-flick....

OR
....other people! 

...you know, all those things that men get anxiety issues over!

So I had pardoned Southern Charm for her lack of a penis, and applauded her for being the boyfriend I never had (in other words, a man who was in touch with his inner Oprah Winfrey)...

This was until....

My life changed. And, with those changes had come a slight shift in our interactions.  My Fridays were spent having a Netflix Night (R.I.P Blockbuster) without her, Saturdays were suddenly packed up with impromptu dinner dates without her, and Sundays were used to test out this thing I just realized existed in my kitchen: my oven!  Without Her!

In other words, something or someone was taking my girlfriend time away from Southern Charm.

As a result, I had gradually started receiving "where r u" texts from her at all hours of the day, 10 day advanced notices to schedule time with me, and now early morning visits with bagels I could not eat.

Clearly, while she was paying attention to me, I was not paying attention to her.

And being the good girlfriend that Southern Charm was, she had not yet called me out on acting like the bad boyfriend that she and I had pinky swore we would never ever date...

"Who is it?"  Southern Charm said, sounding a lot like she was expecting a "it's not me, it's you conversation."

But before I could answer her...I had to pause and think how this had happened:

How had a guy jockeying for the position of boyfriend, almost succeeded in trying to take my girlfriend's place?